The not so secret diary of a fat bird

its coming off

2008-02-05T21:36:27Z

well went to weightwatchers tonight and had lost 3 pounds which is not bad as i havent truely stuck to it this week

been a difficult week for weight loss, my gran died this morning so for the last couple of days have been with her and not really eaten properly and skipped meals, also still not quite recovered from the cold and after effects of the lighter life programme

will see what the next week brings, went out tonight and had a mixed grill, we were mentally and physically exhausted and just couldnt face cooking so thought sod it and ate out

well off to warwick for a meeting tomorrow, must resist the urge to eat crap in the car which is a favorite hobby of mine lol

Back to weight watchers

2008-01-29T21:04:02Z

Well contacted lighterlife today and told them i wouldnt be coming back.
Still havent got to the bottom of this horrible stomach upset that ive been suffering for the last week but the doc has given me some tablets that seem to be working for now, atleast im getting a nights sleep without being woken with stomach cramps !
Went back to weightwatchers tonight, going to do it the slow but nice way !
Have only gained 4 pounds after eating normally for a week which isnt that bad, also found out that i have to lose 20 pounds to get me to my 10% which is the first target they set, this means that i only have 22 pounds to lose to get me back to my lightest which i got to with weightwatchers last time so will see what happens !!!

The final day

2008-01-23T20:53:17Z

Well the lighter life diet is officially over !, have had severe abdominal cramps and nausea for a week, the cramps were waking me up at night and today at work was the final straw, i was so ill at work i just couldnt function, spoke to one of the consultants who gave me an anti-emetic for the nausea but i was severely hypoglycaemic, had a bit of a trauma in that my gran was rushed into hospital and they thought she only had hours to go but at the moment is stable. so came home from work and had a sandwich and within half an hour i was feeling better, less sick and shakey, i just wasnt tolerating the packs, i do have a mild degree of lactose intolerance and the packs are pretty much all milk so that could have had a lot to do with it, well i lost a stone but was so unwell decided it just wasnt worth it in the end.

As im going away for the weekend i will just be careful what i eat and next tuesday im going to go back to weight watchers, its a slower process but i never felt this ill on that diet.

I have done crash diets similar to this before but only managed a couple of days before feeling ill , atleast i managed 2 weeks.

I have yet to tell the leader of the group, she knew i was feeling sick with it but will just explain that i have been given medical advice not to continue, bit annoying that ive just payed out £70 for this weeks food packs and i very much doubt i will be given a refund. going to take the packs back as they even make me sick to look at them, will see what happens, even so its a small price to pay for my health !!

well there will be no more posts until next tuesday when i go back to weight watchers, going to have to change the title of this from the not so secret diary of a fat bird to the yoyo dieting diary i think !!!!!!!!!

Day Thirteen

2008-01-22T23:06:11Z

Well went to weigh in tonight, lost 4.5 pounds, so now lost a stone in 2 weeks, the way they convert it wasnt quite half a pound on top of the 10 last week and not quite half on this week but has taken me just over the stone by a few ounces.

Think im going to have a real will power struggle on my hands at the weekend, most diets when you go on holiday as long as you stay away from the crap then its not to bad, with this one you need to stay away from food PERIOD. I feel like a bipolar fat person, thats not to put down the struggle and genuine condition of someone who is bipolar but its an inner struggle, there is half of my brain that is literally saying 'im going to eat something damn the diet' while the other half at almost the same time is saying 'i dont want to spoil what ive done so far'.

this has got to be one of the hardest diets i think i have ever done, its the total abstenance from food that is just killing me, i actually thought yesterday that in a way i feel like im being punished for over eating, i thought 'ill be good just let me have some food' at the same time im not that hungry but for 32 years i have pretty much put what ever i wanted in to my mouth and now i cant. even with other diets you can pretty much eat what you want as long as it fits to a certain criteria.

one of the girls had gained 2 pounds but had pigged out for most of the week due to the lack of support at home, i dont want to do that but i now feel like an alcoholic would being confronted by alcohol, its like if i put even a small amount into my mouth will that snowball and i will go back to over eating, i have spent most of the week with this ongoing battle in my head, there is a bit that makes me think, well a little bit wont hurt but then that will add to a little bit more and its a downward spiral !!!

i want so badly to succeed, its hard enough knowing that after the 100 days abstenance and the initial programme that i will still have to stay off food for an undisclosed period of time until i reach my target, i know that as of april i should have lost 3 stone, but im not even sure thats going to be enough to put down on the army paperwork,

im sure im just being a big gloomy and defeatest because im tired and fed up with the food packs, i even havent managed to fit in all the water i should, so a little part of the brain is telling me that i probably could have lost a bit more this week had i drunk more, one girl drinks 5.5 litres a day and she lost something like 6 pounds, and she isnt as big as me which makes me cross.

well i wouldnt recommend this diet right now but then i know once i get just over another stone off i will be back to where i was when i was doing weight watchers and im sure after that it will all look alot better,

the nausea isnt helping, they couldnt give me an answer at group but i think im just not tollerating the packs, so going to give it a month and see how i go, it could be that because i didnt have any side effects last week that the effects are just starting to show themselves now, it is possible, ive given up food, coffee, tea, coke and all fizzy drinks so i have no caffine running round my veins and im sure thats all thats kept me going the last few years.

may not post for the rest of the week unless i find it a bit tricky, will try to post on sunday when i get back, they did give me some good advice tonight that if i did want to eat something to just avoid carbs etc and go for fish chicken and vegetables.

you know what im really really really missing a bloody mcdonalds double sausage and egg mcmuffin, im not even bothered about the hash browns at this point, god think this is going to be an ongoing theme, mcdonalds have a lot to answer for !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day Ten

2008-01-18T23:25:35Z

Think it may be day 10 might have lost count a little bit, things really busy at work so not as much time to post here at the moment. Today wasnt very good, think im coming down with some sort of stomach bug so felt really off colour yesterday and today was worse. Had a pack this morning at around 8 but then didnt get a chance to have another pack until around 8 tonight.

Think its a good job im on this diet because if i was eating normal food i would have been in a rag state by 9 tonight when i finally finished work. Felt sick for most of the morning and afternoon so only managed 2 litres of water, that turned out to be my max for the entire day, goodness knows what sort of effect thats going to have, luckily ive avoided headaches and shakes which i thought i would get from lack of 'food' and water.

will see how the weekend goes, i hope to get some sparkling mineral water to mix with my st clements flavour drink powder, its actually not that bad, you can tell its packed with sweeteners, it has that odd after taste to it, but hey its better than plain water anyway

well thats it for now, may post over the weekend if i get time ! have to sort out all my bits for my weekend away next weekend

Day Seven

2008-01-15T22:28:18Z

Well tonight was the first weigh in...............10.5 pounds lost !

Sort of pleased there were people there who had lost more but also people who had lost less.

Managed to talk them into letting me have 10 bars a week when 7 is meant to be the maximum, explained that i just couldnt tolerate the soup so they caved, will just have to see how i get on with the possible gastic side effects !

managed more than the 4 litres today, actually felt hungry tonight on the way back from group but its later than i would usually have my last pack. Got home and practically inhaled the peanut bar lol but it was just nice to chew something !!

Looking forward to trying a different flavour bar tomorrow

Day Six

2008-01-14T22:56:16Z

I am quite surprised today at how much will power i actually have ! have a bit of a dilema over jobs and really just wanted to eat anything i could get my hands on but didnt, pat on the back for me !!

Was disappointed today to find out from my friend who has done this diet before that my plans to have 2 of the bars a day might not be allowed, apparently they give you horrific wind !!!! Will have to speak to them tomorrow night as i just cant tolerate those soups anymore, they are so flavourless and just rank quite honestly.

Hoping i have a good loss, quite surprised that this week has gone relatively quick, didnt feel like it while it was happening, but its tuesday tomorrow and weigh day.

Im trying to brace myself, i think im expecting miracles and expecting to lose around 12 pound, could be very dissapointed if i havent lost that much, no part of my brain is saying that even the 6 pounds i had lost by saturday is an achievement, think im just feeling so hard done by that i expect an excessive loss.

Struggled to fit the water in again today, think its when im on a late shift, i dont start till 1pm so dont get up till 10am, this means that in 2 hours i need to consume atleast a litre and a half of water as well as a food pack. ive got into the habit of taking my 'lunch' soup with me to work and having it there which makes me not want some water for a while, then i get busy and forget to keep drinking ! im sure i will get used to it i still have another 94 days of the basic programme to get used to it

Must remember to ask them either this week or next what i am to do when im in disneyland, i dont want to have to sit there while others are eating, worked out its only for 2 and a half days so if im sensible and just have breakfast and an evening meal, with possibly 2 food packs or none in between i shouldnt do too much damage.

my list of foods im missing is increasing and some of them arent even things i have that often

peanut m & m's
smart price ready salted crisps
tinned ham
boiled bacon
twiglets

Pretty much things that people are eating around me at the moment.

God this had all better be worth it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day Five

2008-01-13T21:47:03Z

Well today was ok, spent alot of time scrapbooking to take my mind off food and when the folks had their supper i went in the bath.

Im really not liking the food packs, they are bland and im not hungry so its a real effort to have one. Was going through the packs i have left and they thought of eating another chicken pack just fills me with dread. The chocolate ones are ok so atleast i have 2 of those a day.

The water was harder to fit in today. Have been to the shop and bought 1 litre bottles again, not so sure these are a good idea as you have more to go in one shot, the half litre bottles were ok but there were so many of them..

Sat and wrote out my shopping list for tuesday nights group, have ordered several chocolates, and i can have the bars this week so have avoided the soups like the plague and apart from ordering 7 peanut bars (ignoring my mild allergy) i have picked one or two of each like toffee, lemon, fruit, cranberry and a nut one. Ah the thought of actually chewing something is quite exciting.

My mouth is like a sewer, i have no taste at all. If anyone has ever had to take metronidazole antibiotics its a bit like that !

Ive started a list in my head of all the things im going to treat myself to when im allowed to eat again. im sure it will get so much longer as the weeks go on but here are a few.

Macdonalds sausage and egg mcmuffin
cold pizza
an egg - probably hard boiled
half coated digestive biscuit
chicken kebab (technically healthy anyway)
rice crispies with soya milk

That is the start, im sure there were others but cant remember them.

Atleast i have had all 4 litres today, couldnt manage any extra today but will probably have a bit extra tomorrow at work.

Day Four

2008-01-12T18:18:49Z

Well got myself up early this morning as i knew i had to get to the meeting place (cant think of the word for the place where i went to meeting so thats all i can come up with for now) wasnt going to have a pack before i went but as i had more time than i thought i would i had one, think ive got to the point where i dont want anything at all, but know i have to have something.

Went in and didnt realise we could get weighed to day which was nice, have lost 6 pounds since wednesday, which is ok, think i was a little dissapointed as the girl that went before me had lost 10 but then she was bigger than me so it will probably come off her a bit faster. Picked up a vanilla pack with the great idea of mixing it with coffee !

Well i tried mixing the vanilla pack with coffee and it didnt work, well i say it didnt work it just tasted bloody awful, very vanilla and although you could taste the coffee it was like having 10 sweeteners in it, it went straight down the drain. so technically have cheated and not had my 4 packs today as i binned the rest of the vanilla pack (oops)

Also as im not at work its harder to drink the quota of water, luckily i have x4 litre bottles so drinking them when i remember to pick up a bottle, have been distracting myself from not eating by doing some scrapbooking but that also means im not drinking enough. its a bloody viscious circle.

Didnt help that the folks had chicken nuggets and pizza today, its taking more will power than i thought it would not to just nick one nugget, and why is it that all of a sudden every advert on the tv seems to be about food !!!!! everywhere i turn there is temptation, im hoping that whatever i lose by tuesday night will give me the incentive to keep going.

Looking forward to tuesday night as i can get some of the bars, think im at the point where i need to chew something and i cant risk my fingernails !!

Well its only 18.30 and i still have 2 litres and 1 pack to go.

Can i really make it through another 96 days ????? and even then if im not to my target i have to carry on.

My mouth tastes funky and no matter how many times i brush my teeth it really doesnt help. bought some breath freshener today but that sets off my leukoplakia so its a no win situation, mind you apparently i will need the breath freshener soon as my breath is going to pong due to the ketosis !

Day Three

2008-01-11T17:56:06Z

Well think this has been the hardest so far, had a few moments when i could have slipped and eaten something but i didnt. Went to Asda to pick up some more water and as i was queueing for my ciggies i was eyeing up the chocolate, thinking which would be the lowest calories and would it really hurt if i had just a little bit ! But i resisted.

The water was harder today, we were busy at work so i didnt have as much time to fit it all in, mind you i only have 1 litre to go.

Well somehow managed to get 5 litres in by the end of the evening. Must go and change those packs !

Think its starting to bother me that i cant eat just anything, but then again it was eating just anything that made me fat in the first place !

Day Two

2008-01-10T21:59:24Z

Well its the end of a second day, didnt go as badly as i thought, i seem to have alot more will power than i thought. Didnt get up till 10 am which helped, started the morning with a hot chocolate pack. Managed 1.5 litres before i left for work which was not too bad although i stupidly drank 500ml in the car on the way to work so by the time i got there i was busting for a pee.

There are bits and pieces left over from christmas still lying around the office and its force of habit just to pick things up and put them in my mouth, must get out of that habit once i lose the weight.

Thought i would feel hard done by today as it was one of the girls birthdays and she had bought cheesecake for all the girls. Luckily we didnt have time to do a tea party as usual so i didnt have to sit and look at the stuff sitting on the table. One or two of the girls were eating in the office but Lesley helpfully informed me that in actual fact it was a baked cheesecake which i dont like anyway so felt a bit better.

Karen who's birthday it was has been wandering around all day offering people chocolate biscuits that she had brought in, She is the friend who has done this diet before, so she was very good at making sure she didnt waft the tin in front of me.

Found it a bit difficult to have the second pack of the day, had been drinking so much water that i wasnt hungry or even remotely interested in drinking anything else, but made it and had the vegetable pack just because i realised i wouldnt be able to fit all 4 packs in if i didnt. That was at 2.30.

Obviously a supper break is a bit useless to me now so went off early to have a couple of fags, did a few bits and then made the mushroom pack, funnily enough it was a bit tastier today, maybe because the water is so tasteless anything with a slight amount of flavor makes a difference.

Havent felt at all hungry today, did have a bit of a headache but im sure thats because i havent had any tea or coffee since yesterday afternoon, Im a 20 a day coffee and tea drinker and thats one of the hardest things to give up.

Well home now and having my last pack of the day, i was going to have the chicken but decided that i will go in on saturday and change some of my packs over, so having a hot chocolate instead.

Think until i can start the bars i will try having a hot chocolate for breakfast and at suppertime and then maybe the chicken and a mushroom during the day.

Will see what tomorrow brings.

Day One

2008-01-09T21:53:14Z

Ok so this was the first day, bit hard but its nearly over ! Drank quite a bit of water this morning and was quite impressed with myself. Had bought the bottles last night so took 4 with me to work, that sort of evened out the daily amount. The first food pack i had was the chocolate, it was ok, mixed it with hot water so it made hot chocolate, which was ok apart from the lumps, i had used the hot water from the machine instead of the kettle so it didnt work very well. My mate at work bought a little blender thingy when she was doing it so she is going to lend it to me.

At lunch i had the mushroom pack, it was alright, was quite full afterwards but that was probably because by this point i had already had 2 litres of water.

My god have i peed today, it was starting to get beyond a joke, they were joking at work that i might need a catheter to get through some of my clinics !!

Had another 500ml before leaving work.

Was quite tired by the time i got home, made the vegetable pack and had another litre of water then had a very long nap on the couch. Not sure if the tiredness is from a day of eating nothing and drinking more water than i usually consume in a week, or if it was just from two early shifts and late nights.

Well have just had the chicken pack which is probably the best out of the lot, and now im trying to fit in the last bit of water before bed, due to my nap i didnt finish it earlier so im probably going to be up all night to the loo.

There is a drop in group on saturday morning, think i may have to pop in and change my packs, not sure the mushroom and vegetable are going to keep me going, the chicken and chocolate are alright, just looking forward to the fact that as of next week i can start on the bars.

Most at work are supportive but there are one or two that think im not going to be able to stay the course, so i plan to stick it out no matter how hard it gets just to prove the bitches wrong !!!

Well will see how tomorrow goes.

The first meeting.

2008-01-08T23:11:57Z

Well went to my first meeting tonight weighed an impressive 95+ kilos but considering i used to be over 100 thats not so bad. Had my photo taken so that in the weeks to come you can look back and hopefully see a difference. Was given a nice little shopping bag to hold all my food packs, i use the term food losely, its basically drinks that keep you at around 500 calories a day so your burning off the other 2000 you would normally eat and use. There is a little shaker to mix your bits with and a lemon fridge magnet, its meant to represent the fact that if you think about sucking a lemon it makes your mouth water, so if your feeling hungry its more thought than anything else so basically drink more water and you will stop feeling hungry !
Went to Asda and bought a load of bottles of water just to get me started, will fill them from the tap but its a visual guide that i need to drink atleast 6 500ml bottles a day, the more you drink the more you loose.
Well tomorrow it hopefully the first day of the rest of my life as a potential thin person, which i might add i have never actually been. You will probably find over the next few days that the journal consists of nothing more than me complaining about headaches and hunger but will see how i go. Bloody determined to get the bulk of my weight off by April at the latest. So here goes nothing, currently enjoying my last cup of tea with milk (soya at that).

Tonights the night !

2008-01-08T18:01:33Z

Well tonight is the night that i go to group and see exactly what this all entails. Have picked the brains of a mate that lost 4 stone on lighterlife and she has been a real support already
More to follow ...........................

my jeans dont fit

2008-01-05T15:02:41Z

Tried on several pairs of jeans today until i settled on a pair of awful brown trousers, just because non of my jeans fit me anymore ! when i was really big i never had a problem with clothes fitting, now ive lost some weight its amazing how tight jeans get, and even tighter when you put on more than a couple of pounds ! ah well its only for a couple of weeks and im sure i will be back into them soon, and with any luck by easter they will all be too big !

The last few days of food !

2008-01-04T16:59:05Z

I'm currently trying to eat as much as is humanly possible so that i get to eat all the nice things im probably going to miss ! Have told most of the people at work what i am doing so that they dont suddenly think ive lost the plot when i dont appear to be eating anything. Getting very excited now !!

The day draws nigh

2008-01-02T10:14:00Z

This has to be the first diet ive ever been excited about doing ! Have tried most over the years, the cabbage soup diet which smelled awful and left me feeling horribly full after only 2 days, i was violently sick on the 4th day and discovered the fullness was caused by the fact i hadnt digested any of the soup, also didnt lose any weight ! Slimming world worked for a while, lost a stone and a half but gave up, not sure why. I peaked at 17 or 18 and a half stone a few years ago (lost track of how heavy i really got) and was quite happy with myself, was confident but unhappy that i was restricted to only one or two shops for clothes. The bulk of the weight had been gained at Uni when i was having 3 monthly injections instead of the contraceptive pill. I was gaining about 3-4 pounds with each injection, coupled with just eating anything i wanted and drinking far too much beer.
The start of the weight loss came when i was living in a shared house and unhappy, for nearly a year i lived on pizza, kit kats and stress, lost 2 stone and thought maybe i should try and do something to really get the weight off. I spent over an hour throwing out bin bags of clothes that were way too big which gave me a boost.
I started weight watchers and in the course of a year lost 3 stone, at my lightest i was 12 and a half stone and a size 14, not bad as i had been a 24 at one point. Then my living arrangements changed again and i stopped trying, maybe because i was happy with the weight i had achieved, i was getting compliments all the time and felt good about myself.
Then in August 2006 i found that the incredible 'girlie' pain i was experiencing was down to endometriosis, i had surgery the same month which halved the pain. the weight started to creep up again, a few pounds here and there, went back to weight watchers but the leader didnt inspire me as my old group leader had so i quit again.
In April last year i had an IUCD fitted for the remaining pain and after a few months the pain settled but the weight kept creeping on. For any woman who has tried a contraceptive of one type or another they know that weight gain is a side effect and so here i am 2 stone heavier but pain free, an acceptable compromise in a way.
But now i have a goal, i want to be an nursing officer in the british army and there is no way they will take me at my current weight, there is also no way carrying around all this weight i will be able to do half of what is expected to pass selection.
Also the past year or so i have developed food intolerances, milk was the first, if i have too much my nose runs and i become horribly mucousy (in many areas ! wont go into details there) and then bread started causing problems, if i have too much bread i get blisters on my hands and feet, they are small and itchy and when they pop they dry out and leave my skin a mess. Speaking of skin my face is awful ! i have eczema, the skin is dry and dull, im spotty for the first time since my teens, its awful. I blame overeating, all the rubbish i pump into my system cant be helping my skin at all, i dont drink enough water and have noone to blame but myself.
So one of the main reasons im looking forward to the diet is that it will be a total detox, no food for a few months and 4 litres of water a day should give my body the rest it needs from all the junk its had to endure. Im not looking forward to my skin going saggy which it already is from previous weight loss, im not looking forward to the stretch marks but i have so many anyway a few more probably arent going to hurt.
So its 7 days to go and counting.

The start of the before and afters

2008-01-01T14:32:41Z

Thought it might be a good idea to put up a before picture, dont have any full length ones yet, this is the most recent one taken at the works christmas party in December 2007.

The start of a new year 1

2008-01-01T12:22:28Z

Dont get too excited I've created this to document my diet (yawn) so there wont be much on here until the 9th when i go to the first meeting...... you can imagine it cant you ......... my name is fifi and i'm fat ! i dont like sitting in a circle and sharing so its going to be a whole new experience !